“Mommy Walk Of Shame”
OMFG Mommies… this morning was one of those mornings! I actually had a GNO last night… makeup still half-on and my son asks me “Mommy, why do you look like a raccoon?” Head is still pounding…(only 1½ drinks btw) and all that I need to accomplish ever-so-gracefully is to get my kids fed, dressed, teeth brushed and out the door for the school bus on time. Lord knows I NEED to make this happen… hopefully with minimal screaming….. My husband is a rock star and handles all three of the older kids (as he can clearly see) from the fabulous “Mommy Walk Of Shame” I need the help.
Now I need to get Rocky (who is 3) together and off to preschool by 8:30 AM. Easy peezy ….
I’d like to think that due to all the massive amounts of therapy, mommy groups and books I’ve read that I can handle it all… Taking care of one kid should be a breeze (even in my half-asleep state.) My hubby did all the heavy lifting with the six, seven & eight year olds. He even got them to eat bacon and eggs. One GNO isn’t gonna stop my mommy super-powers.
Please note: Rocky is now in the “Mommy Mommy” stage. We have a complete love affair that includes daily cuddles or (as Rocky calls it) “cuddies” so frickin’ cute. We also have a little routine. Cuddies, Breckie (breakfast), get dressed, poo-poo and pee-pee while telling stories. I am very clear with my checklist.
Lets do this.
Even though all I want to do is sleep, (like for eight more hours) Rocky jumps in bed with me for “Cuddies” but all he wants to do is JUMP! Really dude?? Mommy was totally looking forward to these twenty more minutes of fake sleep, (“cuddies”) but nooo… My toddler wants to “Jumpie Jumpie” which ends up with mommie’s first BONK “head butt” of the morning.
So now there’s crying… Snot everywhere and ice-packs on our heads. Just what I needed for my headache. Oh no… the clock is ticking and now I’m off my schedule. If I don’t make it to the carpool drop off in time then I am actually gonna have to walk this little pogo stick into school; which will totally ruin my plan to drive him there in my pajamas and slippers. Yes, I am known to do this once in a while.
So we recover, Rocky (being the fourth child) is really good at getting back on the horse, and this horse needs to feed him, dress him and get him off to preschool ASAP. I start singing to Rocky about silly things like “lets get dressed… cover that booty… that is my mommy duty.” Grammy-winning songwriting btw, but I have found that it’s a good way to re-direct him to do what is needed, GET DRESSED! This is now a complete #mommyfail as my nanny and I are getting Rocky to be independent and dress himself, which he can totally do. But I have no patience and no time. So as I sing my next hit “poops and peeps” I somehow get this little dude dressed. We have another of our many BONKS “head butts” and there is more screaming, snot and ice. I am getting closer to my coffee and two extra-strength Excedrin (my mommy crack) cant wait!
OK… kid is dressed…. Let’s feed him. I’m now thinking I will let him eat some type of granola bar in the car… another big #mommyfail… I’m feeling guilty but heck… I’m human, right? I am allowed to cut corners… oy vey the guilt. F it.. Give him that Z-Bar, it’s organic and has whole grains, so I am sure it’s maybe-kinda good for him. (It will at least help in the poop department.)
T.M.I. but you mommies know, you need to make sure your new potty-trained toddler stays regular or you’re gonna have lots more problems all over your hands.
Somehow I get him in the car after he falls down the stairs in the garage for the last BONK of the morning. AHHHHHH. Now I am so frantic that poor Rocky is picking up on it. I swear, kids feel everything. I’m sure he is thinking
“my mom, who looks like a crazy raccoon, is acting crazy” which is making him act totally crazy and it’s just crazy! In the car he is screaming “I didn’t brush my teeff” and #mommyfail 100, I just start singing another silly song about all the fun things we will do this weekend. Thank god we actually have Buddy and Wilson’s birthday party tomorrow; but Rocky thinks when I say Buddy I am saying “Bunnies” and with a little-white-mommy-lie I just keep it moving and we sing about all the bunnies we will see tomorrow… I’m hoping Rocky will have so much fun at school he will forget about the bunnies I have somehow promised him.
Exhale Stefanie, we made it to the carpool drop-off line just in the nick of time.
No, Rocky didn’t brush his teeth; no, he didn’t eat a complete breakfast, no, he didn’t take his vitamins. No, he is not dressed like the baby gap model. Instead, he is in so many colors and patterns I need to wear sunglasses to look at him. But; we did it… Mommy somehow did it! As my little guy walks out of the car and says “Bye mommy, have a great day…I love you mucho!” My hearts stops and I take a second to appreciate the moment.
Being a mom is hard and trying to have it all is harder. Sometimes I get it wrong and just need to take the “Walk of Shame Mom” home… and appreciate the fact that- in all the craziness…. motherhood is a gift !
And tomorrow… I get a do-over !